We have received a leaked copy of Prime Minister Theresa May’s manifesto speech — due to be announced this coming Thursday.

Below is a full unedited press release from Tory HQ.

***Check against delivery***

The Prime Minster Theresa May speaking at the Conservative manifesto launch will say:

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

*pause for applause*

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

*pause for water — look at camera, blink twice, pretend to be human*

“best possible deal”

“BEST possible deal”

“BEST POSSIBLE DEAL”

*pause for applause*

“coalition of chaos”

“coalition of chaos”

“COALITION OF CHAOS”

*pause,  drink water, blink twice, look seriously at audience, aim each word at a different person, emphasize words using thumb (no pointing!) thumbing*

“coalition”

*move head look at someone else*

“of”

*move head look at someone else*

“chaos”

*pause for applause*

“Britain”

*take out miniature union jack from under hair — show audience*

“EU”

*wait for booing to subside*

“EU!”

*take out EU flag from knickers — show to audience — make sure they see shit stains on flag*

“BRITAIN”

*British flag wave proudly — like Hitler did with his iconic Nazi symbols*

*wait for cheers to subside*

“EU!!”

*stamp on EU flag and then punch it using British flag*

“BRITAIN!”

*hold British flag up and dance — national anthem plays in background — sung by the Daily Mail over 55’s women’s choir of St Betentals, Oxforshire*

*build to finale*

“BRITAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best possible deal! Brexit means Brexit!!!!!!!!!Coalition of chaos! Strong and stable!!!!!!!!”

*wait for rapturous applause to finish — make cum face — pretend to hit that big O for the first time in life (well, first time without directly killing a poor and/or brown person)

ENDS

****Also make some shit up about caring about the working class. Haha, you know those fucking idiots will buy any old shit we tell them too!!

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3 thoughts on “EXCLUSIVE!!! Tory MANIFESTO Leak!! MUST READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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