We have received a leaked copy of Prime Minister Theresa May’s manifesto speech — due to be announced this coming Thursday.

Below is a full unedited press release from Tory HQ.

***Check against delivery***

The Prime Minster Theresa May speaking at the Conservative manifesto launch will say:

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

*pause for applause*

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

“strong and stable”

*pause for water — look at camera, blink twice, pretend to be human*

“best possible deal”

“BEST possible deal”


*pause for applause*

“coalition of chaos”

“coalition of chaos”


*pause,  drink water, blink twice, look seriously at audience, aim each word at a different person, emphasize words using thumb (no pointing!) thumbing*


*move head look at someone else*


*move head look at someone else*


*pause for applause*


*take out miniature union jack from under hair — show audience*


*wait for booing to subside*


*take out EU flag from knickers — show to audience — make sure they see shit stains on flag*


*British flag wave proudly — like Hitler did with his iconic Nazi symbols*

*wait for cheers to subside*


*stamp on EU flag and then punch it using British flag*


*hold British flag up and dance — national anthem plays in background — sung by the Daily Mail over 55’s women’s choir of St Betentals, Oxforshire*

*build to finale*

“BRITAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best possible deal! Brexit means Brexit!!!!!!!!!Coalition of chaos! Strong and stable!!!!!!!!”

*wait for rapturous applause to finish — make cum face — pretend to hit that big O for the first time in life (well, first time without directly killing a poor and/or brown person)


****Also make some shit up about caring about the working class. Haha, you know those fucking idiots will buy any old shit we tell them too!!


3 thoughts on “EXCLUSIVE!!! Tory MANIFESTO Leak!! MUST READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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